Thinking about where we were a year ago boggles the mind. That we were halfway around the world, adopting a child we had never met, whose language we didn't speak, and who was more than a little terrified of us, seems like a hazy dream to me now.
I remember little Zitao's effort when we met, that she was trying to look at us and smile, but trying not to look at us at the same time. She was so overwhelmed. I was so glad her sisters were there; they were so much easier to trust.
There were times that I thought we were truly crazy to be adopting an older child from another country. But I knew, even the first time I saw her, that she was my daughter. And that nothing would ever change that. I loved her, and she had me at "ni hao."

We're having a little "family day" anniversary party at a local Chinese restaurant tomorrow. We're not doing anything big, just a little acknowledgement that we are really grateful to be together.

Recently, there was a post on our agency's e-mail listserve asking for experiences after coming home with an older child. This family was having trouble with bonding and behavior in their first weeks home with a child not much older than Eleanor was when she came home. This was my post to that family; I certainly remember the early days!

Dear *****,
We came home with our daughter last March - our one year "family day" anniversary is this Wednesday! She'll be 8 in a couple of months. When we went to adopt Eleanor, she would have nothing to do with me if she could help it. I remember saying "Wo ai ni," in China, and she smirked and said, "Wo BU ai ni!" (I don't love you!) in return, and ran out of the room. Looking back, it's actually funny (it was her way of saying, "Lady, you're a NUT!"), but I had to take a deep breath at the time! Eleanor didn't care how much I wanted her, or had worked to adopt her, or had waited to see her little face. She was NOT going to like me (so there, Mom - phhhbt!). She would go for her older sister's hand, or her father's hand, but NOT mine. She wouldn't sit by me if she could help it. That preference carried over for a while when we got home - several weeks at the very least. I remember how stubborn she would be about what I would tell her to do. There was a lot she didn't understand, but there was also a lot she pretended not to understand. She resisted listening to me for quite a while (whether I used Mandarin or English), and she resisted being touched in any way (except for basic care like dressing and brushing hair). Our house is across the street from a park, and when we were coming home from the park one day a few weeks after coming home (maybe it was more - it was warm enough by then to be at the park without jackets), she started to run towards the street to cross it and get home. I shouted, "BU! BU! ELEANOR! NO!" and she laughed and kept running. I caught her before she got to the street and scooped her up, and she screamed bloody murder and wriggled and kicked the entire way back to the house. I just held on and marched her inside, but I remember thinking that I hoped nobody saw me, because surely they would think I was kidnapping a child! I plopped her onto her bed once we got home, and she proceeded to have a raging fit. She kept waiting for my reaction to her fit, but I just looked at her with a stern face, grabbed a pencil and paper, and said, "You scared me. I didn't like that," and I drew a picture of a stick figure in the street, a car coming, and made a loud "splat" sound. She looked at me serenely, and a look of "Oh. I guess you had a REASON for torturing me by holding me," came across her face. I left the room, and she cried quietly for a while.

It was shortly after that when she began wanting to be carried (yes, by ME - the horrible mommy person) everywhere she went. I think I was the hardest for her to accept, because I was the one who presented the greatest risk. If she loved her new mommy, that meant she might LOSE somebody really, really important (again - she had already lost everyone she knew). Intellectually, I knew that. It didn't make it much easier when she was raging against me, but I knew there was a good reason it was taking her longer to warm to me. So, I was just there. I was there when she needed something, I was there when she was hungry, I was there when she cried (and raged), and I was there when fun things happened. I went from being shunned to having a little Chinese girl glued to my hip (usually carried on one hip - she was smaller than my youngest who is three years younger). I couldn't go to the bathroom by myself for a while without Eleanor knocking on the door to make sure I was still there.

Finally, a year later, I can say that she's a well-adjusted, loving little girl. She loves me fiercely, and I love her, too. She doesn't have grieving fits anymore, and she doesn't monitor me in the bathroom anymore, nor ask to be carried 24/7. Her bond is much more healthy now. She is still very concerned about "fairness" and whether she gets everything her sisters get, and she keeps an eagle eye on me. She still does what we call "hoarding on the inside" - she eats more than my husband and I combined at dinner - we swear she must have a hollow leg. She's not completely secure yet - that will just take time and consistency. She's on grade level, despite starting behind and without language. She can have wonderful conversations with us now. And she really, really, wants to be loved. It oozes from her every pore - this need to be touched, talked to, cared for. Never would have thought that, on the day I had to haul a tantruming child home from the park!

My only advice would be to be calm, be consistent, and be patient. I know it's easier said than done, but your girl will transform in tremendous ways very soon - and I bet that transformation will include deciding to love you! I reminded Eleanor that tomorrow is a whole year from when she first met us. I asked her if she remembered. She nodded, and said, "I was scared. But you were a good mommy." Hearing that made the whole year worth it.

Best wishes, and may time ease your mind -
Amy