School starts August 20th. For me too. I've been "off" work for nearly two weeks now without pay (theoretically because I couldn't find child care for that period, but really because I needed the time to avoid mental implosion), although the e-mails keep coming regardless. I have my e-mail account on auto-reply, with a "call me if it's an emergency" message; guess there aren't any emergencies 'cause nobody's called. I have, however, had a few messages along the lines of "Hey - hope your vacation is going well. When you have a minute, could you...." The answer to that "could you" question is no. Not until I come back. *IF* I come back. From my "vacation" where I get to be a stay-at-home mother to three children and five cats and try to cram in all the home projects I can, since I won't have time later. Yeah, break out the bon-bons. Supposedly I'm compiling data in my "spare time." Oh yeah, without pay. 'Cause doctoral students do that kind of thing. Like hell.

Last week I turned 31 and was in bed with the stomach flu, but this week has been pretty good. I've been trying not to be a brat about having a "quiet birthday," I'm 31 for goodness sake, I should get over the fact that turning 31 does not warrant fanfare, pony rides, or a party. I'm too petulant to buy my own cake, I admit. Dave did take me out to dinner, which was nice, and he deserves to be thanked by his bratty witch of an unsatisfied-birthday-girl date. Anyway, Sarah has had a pottery class in Boulder this week, which has forced me to get everybody out and about every day; the littler ones have to come along, after all. This has been good for everybody's disposition, and Eleanor and Gennie have been good and tired every night at bedtime after being at the park, or Pearl Street Mall, or the movies, or whatever. My little girls have been shiny and smiley and snuggly and generally good. With the occasional tattle, tease, whine, or tantrum, of course.

Today the van broke down in Boulder, though, and we had to come home before making it to Boulder Falls. Eleanor: "But Mom, how come all the other cars are not breaked? They all go. Why is ours all broken? And I don't WANT to go HOOOOMME!" I guess this is the 7-year-old version of "Why me?" Surely Mom and Dad don't REALLY want me to have fun, because nobody else's car is broken, and they sabotaged it on purpose just to irk me. Or else Mom really likes standing in blazing hot weather waiting for the tow guy. Waaah.

But even with the tattling, and the whining, and the histrionics over whose turn it is to pick a movie, and my recent election to the Nash Children Entertainment Committee, I really like being at home with them. I'm going to miss them when we all go back to our various places of education.

I'm exhausted, and truthfully, I want to quit my doctorates. I've been up until wee hours of the morning thinking in circles - I want to quit, but I can't quit, what about money, what about finishing what I start, what about sleep, what about the kids, what about my non-existent dissertation, what about wasting all that work I already put in, what about wasting all that student loan debt I've already accumulated, what if I just say to hell with it all and open a cookie shop or a bookstore or both..." I am told by everyone around me that all grad students want to quit, and that I should just pull through and eventually it'll be over, but I'm not sure that all grad students have quite the same stresses I do, to be frank. I don't know of ANYBODY in my department - student, faculty, or staff - who has three children. I don't really know what I'm going to do with my degree(s). But I suppose I'll get them anyway, since the kids will be gone during the day at school, and then what would I do with myself? Eat bon-bons? Not likely. I am determined to be the most educated cookie-shop owner you've ever met. What a swell plan.