I withdrew from my classes. I applied for the "Time Out Program" allowing me to take my year's leave. I discussed timing of my leave with my advisor, and promised her some good weeks before I left. She asked me if I knew of anybody who would want to become laboratory staff in my stead, who wasn't a student, and who could work 30-40 hours per week (I had only been working 20, on an RA stipend). After a few "duh" moments, I asked her why I couldn't be the non-student, paid-better, less-stressed, have-more-time-to-get-stuff-done person. She brightened and said, "Kiddo, it's YOURS if you want it!" (At 31, I rather enjoy the "kiddo" bit).

She asked me what I wanted from a job, and I gave her my list. I need to help pay family bills and get out of the student debt pattern. I need to NOT be in classes right now (already took care of that one)! I need to leave work AT WORK and come home and be present for my children after they get home from school. I need to have enough flexibility to be a mom and an employee, I need to have space to organize my thoughts instead of stepping on 4 other people's heads to reach the filing cabinet in our shared closet, and I need the feeling that I'm contributing in a positive way. And LESS STRESS. I didn't expect it, but she said, "Yes." Not only, "Yes," but "Of course!" too.

So, as of yesterday, I set up my new much-bigger-than-a-closet office (yes, with a DOOR) that is all MINE with only MY name on the placard outside of the door, hung my pictures on the wall and set up my files, computer, comfy chairs for my clients, striped area rug and little electric teapot. That alone was amazing to me, in a crowded department where even some senior staff share offices, and graduate students are stacked high and deep in whatever closets are left over. I am being compensated at a rate comparable to the IRB job I was preparing to apply for, with one day less per week that I need to be at work. I have the time I need to do things well and happily. Ironically, I will be doing more research and probably being published more than I would have as a doctoral student, and if I decide to come back later, would actually have a comps project essentially done and probably a rather obvious dissertation project that wouldn't take too much fuss to write up. My advisor was coming up with various suggestions for graduating me with my doctorate after I take my leave (maybe only one, instead of two doctorates, maybe without having to take any more classes that way) while keeping me on as her research staff indefinitely, as long as we remain funded (and as she said, she intends to remain funded forever, thank you very much). And she said that if I still wanted to leave for the IRB in a few months, that she would happily write me a recommendation and wish me well. But that she hoped I'd stay with her. Wow.

In other words, I may get to have my cake and eat it too. The one employment opportunity I could even think of within Boulder County has apparently been made available to me - there really aren't any labs in my field within reasonable commuting distance except for this one, which was the major part of my angst - what would I do when I left CU Boulder and had nowhere to go but too much education, and had accumulated enough student debt, lost time, and nervous breakdowns to last most people a lifetime?

Well, the impossible seems to have happened. Things are going to be okay. Better than okay. Really GOOD!

I've asked the girls to draw me special pictures for my office wall, which I'll frame and display proudly. I'm debating hanging my M.S. diploma and professional certificates, that's always felt slightly pretentious to me. But the kids' art should DEFINITELY be there, my kids are my best work. I think we may go to the zoo or something this weekend. Since I don't have studying to do, I CAN - woo hoo!